For the past few days I’ve been torn in my overwhelm. I’m witnessing myself go through an unusual dance of roles and giggle with amusement at myself. I’m sharing the laugh with you now to see if you relate to it too….
My hubby has been away for the past ten days, arriving home very late tonight. However, this trip is unlike all his others – no visits to see family, no beach time relaxing, and no networking for business. Instead this trip involves adventure to a very different place on an exciting project – possibly a life and career changing opportunity.
While there is more than a dash of danger to the location, it’s actually the ‘perceived’ danger that created a whole story about his safety in my head. It’s amazing the power a single seed of a thought can consume a person with! Is his real actual safety in danger? Most likely not – he’s being accompanied by professionals, including a driver, guide and body guard/police. His role is sponsored by an influential organization with many strings being pulled. In all respects his safety is covered by a Plan A and a Plan B…and maybe even a Plan C?
So where is the danger? In my mind. I am playing out all the concerns my hubby had when I went on a volunteer trip to Pakistan a few years ago. Now I truly know where his mind wandered to, what pulled on his heart strings, and how easily he went into a panicked overprotective role. I’m there now…and what a turning of the tables!
Unlike most of his trips, where I am happy to have a mini-vacation at home while he’s away – quiet peacefulness, girlfriend time, less cooking/cleaning, etc. – only this time I want him home…like NOW! It’s comical watching my push and pull of a stereotypical ‘good wife’ protective nurturing role versus my usual strongly feminist independent sassy gal-ness. From moment to moment my emotions switch in concern over him and my unnerving response to my own character shifts. It’s a dance that deepens the longer we’re apart and the more time my mind has to stroll into possibilities.
At the other end of our emails, he is endlessly reassuring me of all the safety precautions, the security steps, and the procedures that are being honoured. He’s using some of the same words I used – as if borrowed from my own emails all those years ago.
Now I understand…now he understands. Now we value what it is for us not to simply be apart, but to have our safety in question…and in turn to have our dreams of a lifetime together threatened. His absence under these circumstances has strengthened our awareness of how precious we are to each other and instilled a feeling I thought I’d never have: being dependent on him (or anyone) at my heart’s core. What I once viewed as a potential stereotypical weakness of our ‘fairer sex,’ now rivets me to value the strength of loving another and giving myself over to that love…to that interdependence.
In my overwhelm at my hubby’s absence, I’m learning so much about myself through the lens of our relationship. Great new insights…and tons of laughter with myself!
Who holds you UP?
(C) 2012 Whitney McMillan
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Whitney McMillan is a best-selling author, life & business coach, workshop facilitator, & motivational speaker who supports people weighed down by overwhelm to reach Overwhelm Freedom! Check out her book ‘Rock Your Overwhelm: Live in Clarity, Balance and Freedom’ and receive her FREE eWorkbook and eZine tips: www.whitneymcmillan.com