Whitney McMillan

Valentine Cooing

whitneym31 — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 01:39:23 +0000

A few days ago on Valentine’s Day, while out chillaxing and celebrating with my hubby, I was struck by how couples talk to each other.

Please do not translate that to imply a wonderfully romantic message, rather the moment was far more shocking. While trying very hard NOT to eavesdrop on one couple’s chat, it was impossible NOT to listen – they made it that way for all of us around them.

Sure, I could give the benefit of the doubt: they were an older couple and maybe had some hearing challenges; they appeared to know each other VERY well and maybe had stopped listening to each other SO well; and/or they wanted to have others witness their victories over each other.

Whatever the case, within only a few words it was fairly easy to tell they were a long-time ‘tied’ couple. Whether married or not, they were anchored to each other. They seemed to know exactly what words to use, what tone to imply, and what body lingo to dance…all just perfect for what buttons to push. It was easy to jump to a stereotypical ‘old married couple’ and to even wonder, as I did: would my hubby and I be like that in 20 or 30 more years?

Listening in the background their voices grew louder, not because they got closer, but because they became more animated. Turning to watch their conversation was like sitting in the theatre – part acting, part dancing, all performing. But for whom?

After participating as their audience (voluntarily or not!) for several minutes, the secret became clearer, their love was perfectly evident. Their relationship appeared built on a friendship far deeper than even romance. They happily played a game of wooing and cooing the passion they felt for each other…only in untraditional ways that would make many cringe. With a twinkle in his eye and smirk on her mouth, they happily enjoyed a certain joking banter that others would find harsh. It was THEIR way. And how many couples who have been together a long time aren’t set a bit in THEIR ways!?

To live and love with another person for years, leaves no one else to judge. We had no glimpse into the grief they suffered, the milestones they celebrated, the losses they shared, the dances they swung to, the horrors they witnesses, the distances they travelled, the babies they carried, the fears they held, the nights they cuddled, or the loneliness they will one day live apart. They loved each other no doubt…in whatever form it took, it was cooing for them.

Having finally departed the ‘show,’ they stayed in my mind. I thought of all the wise guidance that counsellors and coaches (including me) suggest to clients about communicating in relationships. This couple busted them all!

So I challenge you to consider in your romantic relationships, which of these may be your cooing banter button:

Sarcasm – The Beware of Me tone that may be humour-laced venim. Words like: ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ ‘Haven’t we already had this conversation?’ ‘Yeah, yeah, right!’ A tell tail sign is key word emphasis and punctuation invisibly dotting the endings. Or is it the sound of your smirk?

‘Always’ and ‘Never’ – The Bookends of Time together ‘forever.’ It may sound like: ‘You always say that.’ ‘You never do that.’ As if only extremes exist, the accusation is you are ‘set-in-your-ways.’ Or is it the comfort of knowing and trusting the other person’s predictability?

‘You’ – The Pronoun of Blame jabbing like no other. Yours could appear like: ‘You couldn’t understand.’ ‘You don’t….’ Using ‘I’ language to speak one’s own truth and to share one’s own feelings may seem secondary to getting your point across. Or is it a call to be heard yourself?

‘Enough’ – The Draw-the-Line Plea to stop. Favs may be: ‘Enough already.’ ‘For once, could you…?’ ‘Don’t start….’ It’s used when it’s ALL been heard before, yet the ‘nagging’ dance stays the same. Or is it your white flag of surrender to change your cooing pattern?

When you give your heart away, you offer it as your pledge. Over the years, you’ll find a way of communicating as your foundation of love. What others witness does not matter, as long as you clearly and respectfully share your love in YOUR way. Building your romance by communicating your love, results in cooing beyond any words on Valentine’s Day.

To all Love Birds of all ages everyday of the year…XO

Want to use this article (in whole or part) in your ezine, website or blog? Please do! Here’s what to include:
Whitney McMillan is a best-selling author, life & business coach, workshop facilitator, & motivational speaker who supports people weighed down by overwhelm to reach Overwhelm Freedom! Check out her book ‘Rock Your Overwhelm: Live in Clarity, Balance and Freedom’ and receive her FREE eWorkbook and eZine tips: www.whitneymcmillan.com

Absence Overwhelm

whitneym31 — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 04:53:34 +0000

For the past few days I’ve been torn in my overwhelm. I’m witnessing myself go through an unusual dance of roles and giggle with amusement at myself. I’m sharing the laugh with you now to see if you relate to it too….

My hubby has been away for the past ten days, arriving home very late tonight. However, this trip is unlike all his others – no visits to see family, no beach time relaxing, and no networking for business. Instead this trip involves adventure to a very different place on an exciting project – possibly a life and career changing opportunity.

While there is more than a dash of danger to the location, it’s actually the ‘perceived’ danger that created a whole story about his safety in my head. It’s amazing the power a single seed of a thought can consume a person with! Is his real actual safety in danger? Most likely not – he’s being accompanied by professionals, including a driver, guide and body guard/police. His role is sponsored by an influential organization with many strings being pulled. In all respects his safety is covered by a Plan A and a Plan B…and maybe even a Plan C?

So where is the danger? In my mind. I am playing out all the concerns my hubby had when I went on a volunteer trip to Pakistan a few years ago. Now I truly know where his mind wandered to, what pulled on his heart strings, and how easily he went into a panicked overprotective role. I’m there now…and what a turning of the tables!

Unlike most of his trips, where I am happy to have a mini-vacation at home while he’s away – quiet peacefulness, girlfriend time, less cooking/cleaning, etc. – only this time I want him home…like NOW! It’s comical watching my push and pull of a stereotypical ‘good wife’ protective nurturing role versus my usual strongly feminist independent sassy gal-ness. From moment to moment my emotions switch in concern over him and my unnerving response to my own character shifts. It’s a dance that deepens the longer we’re apart and the more time my mind has to stroll into possibilities.

At the other end of our emails, he is endlessly reassuring me of all the safety precautions, the security steps, and the procedures that are being honoured. He’s using some of the same words I used – as if borrowed from my own emails all those years ago.

Now I understand…now he understands. Now we value what it is for us not to simply be apart, but to have our safety in question…and in turn to have our dreams of a lifetime together threatened. His absence under these circumstances has strengthened our awareness of how precious we are to each other and instilled a feeling I thought I’d never have: being dependent on him (or anyone) at my heart’s core. What I once viewed as a potential stereotypical weakness of our ‘fairer sex,’ now rivets me to value the strength of loving another and giving myself over to that love…to that interdependence.

In my overwhelm at my hubby’s absence, I’m learning so much about myself through the lens of our relationship. Great new insights…and tons of laughter with myself!

Who holds you UP?

Sticking…

whitneym31 — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 05:54:34 +0000

Overwhelm often takes root when we ‘try’ to ‘stick’ to something that goes against the flow of our typical habits, patterns, thoughts, and even hopes. That’s not to say the thing we are ‘sticking’ with is bad for us…in fact, it may be very positive, even inspirational. It simply presents a bump in our usual movement forward.

Recent bumps many of us may be ‘sticking’ with at the moment are New Years resolutions (or affirmations, as I personally prefer to approach them). Taking the bold step to declare a desired change in our lives can be extremely liberating and life enhancing. But as with most change, it can take time, persistence, and patience, especially if you wish to ease into it gently, gracefully, and smoothly.

So, did you make any New Years resolutions? Are you sticking to them? Or are they causing you to get stuck?

How about some tips for checking in with your resolutions to see if their ‘stickiness’ is serving your greatest and highest good? Consider:

Are your resolutions specific? Vague resolutions get you no where fast. Clearly identify the activities you want to do or be. Get as tangible as possible, using your words to refine your clarity.
Are your resolutions balanced? So often we think change has to be radical big adventures…often to a point of scaring us out of the resolution! On the other hand, sometimes we bury ourselves in the finer details, changing at micro-baby step pace. Balance a broad vision that frees you to dream boldly with items that improve your daily quality of life closer to home.
Did you write your resolutions down? And if so, where? It may seem odd, but it does matter. If your resolutions are only in your mind, they’re vulnerable to being forgotten, re-worded, or even morphed into something else. If your written resolutions are placed in a dark drawer somewhere, they get lost in your life. How about placing them somewhere prominent in your life? Where will you see them daily?
Do you review your resolutions regularly? What’s ‘regular’ for you? Ideally, I’m talking about several times a day (at least to start). The more you review them, the more they buzz in your head, sing in your heart, and trickle off your tongue. The result: they are in your face and you’re more likely to stick to them, as they stick in your memory! Better yet, live your resolutions everyday – oddly, daily action moves you forward easier than easing yourself with actions every few days.
How are you staying accountable? Getting resolutions to stick can take help. Have you told someone about your resolution, joined a group of similar-minded people, or kept a daily journal? Lots of options – find the one that feels supportively accountable (but not nagging) to you!

Welcome ease, rather than overwhelm, if you want your resolutions to stick in your life!

If you wish support with your resolutions, here’s your call to action: make the empowered decision to find a system or person to work your resolutions alongside you – get a Resolution Running Buddy! Feel free to contact me as part of your team – I’d love to support your Vision for 2012 and beyond!

True Connections

whitneym31 — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 03:53:47 +0000

Friendship fills my mind and heart at the moment.

After a wonderful few weeks of joyous celebrations and relaxing time with loved ones, I am buzzing about ‘true connections’ – the ones that defy time and space, that stay anchored despite the diverse paths people may take, and that feel season-less. These are the connections that whenever and wherever they are re-ignited (even after huge gaps of time), it’s as if you never missed a season of knowing each other.

Another perspective that struck me the other day is how such true connections of friendship are reliable. Despite all barriers, interruptions, and diverging paths, some connections form a foundation in our lives – the ones we can count on to see us through hard times, to laugh during celebrations, and to share an ear when we just need to feel heard.

Here’s the challenge: not all friendships stand this test. How many people can you count on in your life? Literally, count all the peeps who would drop anything (well, most things!) at a moments notice at your request. How many fingers and toes do you need?

Since mutuality is the balance of true connection, how many people would you drop everything (yes, at a moments notice) to support? Which side of this connection is easier to identify: the peeps who’d support you OR the people you’d support? How does it feel to consider your lists?

A survey of your ‘go-to-team’ may be eye-opening, surprising, and/or validating. It may be more or less than you expected, thought, or hoped for. It may spark you to spend your time differently with people. It may allow you to more easily step away from some relationships…and deeper into others. It will hopefully illustrate who holds a true connection in your heart and a ‘go-to’ role in your mind.

If I made your list, thank you!

New Year Overwhelm

whitneym31 — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 01:45:02 +0000

I was hit by Holiday Haze. You may recognise it…a fog of uncertainty, a hail storm of self-doubt, a glimpse of ‘what the hell was I thinking?’ with a dash of ‘I am unworthy.’

Returning from my techi-free vacation, I figured I’d bounce back into my joy-filled end of year biz rituals, and of course the holiday season. Only upon returning home physically, I discovered I’d left by biz brain back in the tropics – it apparently wanted (or needed?) a longer shift of gears. In hind-sight, the rest of me did too!

The actual moment that I realized my haze was in reaction (yes, reaction, not response) to a comment from my loving aunt. In her usual enthusiastically supportive style, she commented in an email about what an amazing year it had been for me: ‘You wrote and published a book! How are you ever going to top that?’ Ouch! She inadvertent poked the trigger to my haze.

Indeed, how on earth am I EVER going to have such a stunningly magical year again? The pressure turned up 10 notches with one question. So much for my 2012 affirmation list, my updated Bliss List, my Word-of-the-Year, my Vision Map, etc. I went straight to my default overwhelm belief by the time the ‘?’ ended the sentence: I don’t deserve.

My dance for the past 10 days took me through a flogging of negative self-talk…all while sipping egg nog, laughing with loved ones, and attending festive events. I cloaked myself in denial – procrastination, justification, and excuses – as I pretended to actually be ‘working.’ Sure I got my calendar planned, my email inbox cleaned up, met with biz friends, and tied up some loose ends. But what would usually take me a day to do was drawn out over 4 days.

I was so overwhelmed with the thought of what a mountain any similar accomplishment would require that I sent an avalanche of dread on myself. So much so that I got stuck in my overwhelm…yet again! I invited Holiday Haze it in, sat it at my holiday dinner table, and fed it.

Until a crack of light shone through – it only took a possibility. If I could manifest the awesome events of this past year with little to no effort in welcoming the opportunities, what else could I attract? If all it took was opening to possibilities – even the smallest most dreamy item on your Vision Board – then what next? Yes, what NEXT? WHAT EVER! Whatever I dream of…each and every day with each and every thought.

Of course, if I can manifest beauty, you can too. What is your heart’s desire for this coming New Year? Let’s pool our dreams to support each other’s manifesting – team manifesting, anyone??

Today, just in time for the last sunset of 2011, my Holiday Haze of overwhelm is lifting. Tomorrow a new year starts and I’m ready to get ‘buzzy’ for 2012 biz!

Rock Your Overwhelm Photo Contest!

whitneym31 — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 00:32:47 +0000

Contest…for YOU!

Rock Your Overwhelm – the book – is now 2-months old! To honour this huge milestone, and since YOU are the reason for this book, I’d like to get you fully involved in the celebration.

If you are like me, I often purchase something that I know will be super helpful…BUT something stops me, and instead the item sits on a shelf watching me. Sound like you?

Let’s start with this – have you opened the book? Hmmm??? OK, so here’s where you start to get involved. It’s time to open the book!

Why? To inspire you to live clarity, balance, and freedom this season…if even for a few minutes. You are worth it!

What’s involved? Shockingly, you find the book…on whichever bookshelf, bedside table, pile of To Dos, etc. you put it. Here’s where the fun begins – and I am being serious – open the book to any page. Then:

Take a photo of you reading my book.
Post the photo on my Facebook Author’s page (see the link below) OR email me the photo (and I’ll add it for you to Facebook).
If you prefer to NOT have it on Facebook – which I totally understand – please email it to me letting me know it’s ‘For My Eyes Only.’

How? Facebook or email me your photo WITH MY BOOK VISIBLE IN YOUR HAND to be entered to win. Each new photo is a new entry – up to 3 entries per person. Family, friends, followers, clients, everyone are welcome to enter. Get creative…but keep it clean! You know you are… : )

Click here for my Facebook Author’s Page link.

If you have not already done so, please click on the link and ‘LIKE’ it so you get to see other people’s posts.

Or…By email, send your photos to: connect@whitneymcmillan.com

What’s up for grabs? PRIZES peeps! Yes, it’s the season of giving, so I am giving away PRIZES! The TOP 3 entries drawn will each receive a 45-Rock Your Overwhelm Coaching session with ME in-person, by phone, or via skype. Yes, time to really shift your overwhelm!

When? Considering the holiday season and giving everyone who’s ‘stored’ or yet to order my book an opportunity to participate too, the final entries need to be submitted on Facebook or by email to me by January 31, 2012. The sooner the better!

Where did the idea come from? Thanks to my brother Matt, who sent me a photo of himself sitting on his loo in London, England – now being made into business cards. Only kidding!

And if you have not yet purchased my book…consider the moment during the blast of recent Holiday Overwhelm when it occurs to you that you NEED my book. It’s gone beyond ‘want’ to actual serious ‘NEED’! Now you can win goodies too!

Looking forward to seeing you reading!

Family Holiday

whitneym31 — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 19:51:28 +0000

Coming together for the holidays brings family and friends together like at no other time of the year. Regardless of the holiday you honour (at any time of the year), there is likely at least one celebration special to your heart, your family, and/or your community.

Only…it sounds so easy and smooth, doesn’t it? When for so many people the holiday season – whenever and whatever it is for you – brings some big challenges. The biggest one for many is the ‘family dance.’ While the holiday season may inspire commercials of happy holiday family dinners, movies with comical family escapades, and greeting cards filled with gleeful wishes of family joy, in all honesty, it’s not the lived reality for so many families…maybe even yours.

I know this family dance so well. Living the stressed-out, expectation-filled family dynamics with one branch of my peeps, we’ve found it better to share our family holiday wishes by greeting card…rather than in-person. This may sound cold, but it’s as if we are better able to express our love and appreciation for each other more authentically at a distance – out of dinner roll tossing range! Please know I love my family dearly – they are truly treasures in my life. However, when the pressures of holiday family meal-time arises the sh!t-hits-the-mistletoe.

Chatting with one friend who has travelled 1000s of miles away from her family for the holidays, some times we go to great lengths to avoid what may have become its own holiday ritual – the family fight.

An interesting thought: why do we feel we NEED to come together for the holidays? What drives us to go through the family dance, year after year? Social pressure, family ‘shoulds,’ a personal desire to be/do better’…?

Family-by-blood are the people we were joined together with as part of a life-long family dance. It’s not always easy…and maybe that’s where the greatest learning and growth come from! But is it worth the connection? Only we each individually know.

Family-by-love are the people we join together by choice and based on…you guessed it – love! Family-by-love may include friends, neighbours, colleagues, strangers, ‘holiday orphans’, etc. They are whoever you bless with your love, trust and time. They may even be your actual family members! For many during the holidays, it’s our family-by-love who we choose to spend our time with. We opt out of the ‘family fight’ to share ‘family laughter’…we choose which family we wish to celebrate our beloved holidays with.

Family-by-love is choice…family-by-blood is inheritance. One you embrace with the joy of your heart, the other you tolerate with their existence. One is a present – a true gift of love…the other is simply present in your life.

While they are all part of your life, which relationships do you give life to? Who excites you to see this holiday season? Who do you hope to steer clear of? Who can you value for simply being present? Which family-by-blood intrigues you to consider loving a little more this holiday season? They are in your life for a reason, allow the holiday season to soften the chat…go find out: why? Let me know what you discover.

Blue Holidays…

whitneym31 — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 05:02:30 +0000

Last night I attended one of my most treasured events of the holiday season: the Blue Christmas service at the local Unitarian church. As a not-super-Christmasy person, I don’t tend to get very holly and jolly at this time of year – Thanksgiving is my holiday of choice!

But for the past few years, the Blue Christmas service has touched my heart. I initially attended because of a challenging time in my family, and a yearning to boost the spirit of the season. The following years I participated to reacquaint myself with the gratitude I hold for the season – the opportunity to reflect on the year past and to find the sparkles often hidden in my overwhelm. This year, I held space for those in their current depths of blue.

Truth be told, the holidays are not all they’re cracked up to be in many families. It can bring shadows, lurking with regret, unhealed wounds, missed opportunities for forgiveness, disappointment, heartache…all weighted down by overwhelming emotionally heavy expectations of unattainable and/or unmaintainable joy and hope. Often the history of past-holidays-gone-by sit next to Uncle Joe, eat too much dessert, and laugh at other people’s expense.

Even more tangible are fresh aches of the holidays. This season may mark a particularly sad time – a first holiday without something or someone. Aloneness may bring loneliness, illness may bring physical pain, divorce may bring lost rituals, separation across the miles may bring homesickness, lost jobs may bring financial hardship, heartache may bring depression, and secrets may bring silence.

So often during the holiday season people aim for the ‘stiff-upper-lip’ approach all to avoid being seen (or named) a ‘party-pooper.’ Expectation rides a wave of pretending ‘all-is-fine’ for other people’s sake. But what about your holiday? What about the truth of your experience? What are you really feeling this holiday season?

Not being able to live up to the expectation of the ‘prefect holiday’ just adds more pressure. However, if you release this expectation – the denial of your authentic feelings – what will happen?

Here’s my thought: if you deny your truth, you lose light of the spirit of the holiday season. You give away your right to feel as you do, dishonouring your true self, your grief, your disappointment, your loss, your shadow, your blue holiday. Instead, by owning your holiday blues, you live your truth, you share your authentic self, you honour your aches…and very gradually you celebrate your gratitude for what you miss, what you loved, what you have, who you are. By raising a glass to what overshadows your holiday, you give it its rightful place in your life – one of being treasured.

Please know…you are not alone – you are loved!

Getting Away From IT!

whitneym31 — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 02:21:44 +0000

“I’m getting away from it.” “You’re getting away from what?” “I’m getting away from IT!”

It was like a mini-Monty Python skit between my amazing webguy George Plumley and I on the phone yesterday. Yes, away from…not ‘it’…but ‘IT’ – I…T. Internet Technology!

Here we were chatting about my vacation and the joys of getting away from the hectic pace of life, To Do lists, clock-watching, gray weather, and all the other aspects of a busy life, when the thought struck us both: it’s a well-needed vacation from Technology Overwhelm. Can you relate?

Yes, I am going away without a lick of technology. No cell phones, no smart phones (because they are more than phones!), no computers, no iPads, no iPods, no iGadgets (of any kind), no GPS, no…you name it, it’s staying home. The ONLY consolation is a camera – a plain old regular digital camera with no extra bells or whistles…and it may rarely see the light of tropical beaches. We are going cold-techi-turkey! Yes, we can do it! Just watch us.

Indeed, I’ve already been tested. Coincidentally, my lovely friend Tracy will be staying fairly close by and we are hoping to meet up for a meal or sight-seeing together. She kindly informed me that she will have free wifi at the Starbucks near their hotel – oh yes, no Starbucks either, which may shrivel my hubby into a cranky 4-year old, and in turn, drive me into a cranky gal but it will be worth it, right!? Only she didn’t know about our cold-techi-turkey pledge. Here I am Facebook (FB) messaging her to let her know, and trying to problem-solve how we could possibly connect. What did I come up with: the phone. You know the old fashioned plug in the wall corded phone…available only by phoning the hotel…whose phone number I do not have because everything I know about the hotel is online! Yup, what are the chances Tracy will find us? Will she even bother trying?? Knowing her, she’ll try. I hope our techi-less-ness doesn’t slow her usual tenacity!

Please know I did nearly crack. The thought of us being so close-by and possibly missing each other on vacation is as funny as us living only a 5-minute drive away and not seeing each other for months at a time AT HOME! But even technology contributes to that disconnect. It’s so easy to conveniently FB message, email, or leave a phone message that our friendship has spiralled down the internet cable. What a cry for techi-freedom: technology or truer connection?

So let me ask you: how do you want to connect to your friends…through a wired or wireless device, or face-to-face, in-person? Which option gives better hugs? What one IT ‘device’ could you dump in favour of really connecting? What would you seek to connect more with: yourself, friends, love partners, nature, hobbies, silence…?

For the next 10 days I will be AWOL – Absent WithOut Line! I’ll catch you on the other side, rested, refreshed and rebooted from the IT-world. ‘Like’ you but not enough to take your email address, phone number, Twitter name, Facebook link, etc. on vacation with me! Be back at IT soon enough.

I celebrate a world of real connections. I release my bond with technology (temporarily). I am refreshed, rejuvenated, and rebooted!

Anniversary Overwhelm…

whitneym31 — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 17:11:37 +0000

Today is our special day. All those years ago my hubby and I committed to each other…and yes, I mean all THOSE years ago!

While we are happier together than ever, the journey across the years has witnessed some bumps along the way. Did I think we’d get through it? Not all the time. In fact, I’m probably the most shocked person to be married…still.

Approaching nearly 20 years together, I was the little girl who never imagined wearing a long white dress (hence my dress was NOT even close to white!), the rebellious feminist art student who mocked commitment to any ‘establishment,’ and the woman who negotiated with her love to let her go if she decided she couldn’t be married any longer. Yet, here I am on my wedding anniversary. It’s the ‘still’ part that rings so strongly, overwhelming my heart.

Sure, there is my shock factor at staying committed to anyone for this long. The only milestones this beats in my life is being a Social Worker (20 years), a vegetarian (26 years), and a yogini (30 years). But those are careers and lifestyles, this is one person. More so, it’s the relationship role it bares: wife. Thankfully, the ambiguity of ‘partner’ and the monogram of ‘Ms.’ serve me well. They are my anchors of independence – they balance my personal identity with my relationship identity.

However, today my overwhelm more heavily rests with the mere thought of how fast time has sped past. Having previously thought of married life as a ‘ball-and-chain,’ here we are decades later, changed even enhanced…together…over ALL this time. If THAT was decades, how much faster will the next decades pass?

Key moments like birthdays and anniversaries welcome us to celebrate rites of passage across our lifetime. They also mark the passage of time itself. Today, my shock shouts with joy for all we have experienced, loved and laughed together. It also reminds me how precious time is and the true treasure of marking every day…because day upon day eventually results in decades as they flow past. Celebrate each day as your anniversary of something in life!

Today, we are honouring our commitment for as many decades are yet to come!

I celebrate each moment of love with an open heart and a hearty laugh.